Its times like these I want to starve forever.
I should be happy. I just won a $2000 scholarship to study music next year.
Im so angry at everyone for telling me I can make it and be a musician. I hate that people told me I was good, when I was no where good enough. I hate that people made me believe I could actually do it, when deep down I know I cannot.
But im so torn because know I feel like I have to keep going, keep dragging myself through because I feel like I owe everyone for their support. I feel like I have to prove to them and finally make it so that they can feel like they have acomplished something too.
I want to start again. I really just want to start again and do so many things differently. 
Im starting a fast tomorrow for three days well actually from 7pm tonight until 7pm Sunday. Im out away from the family both friday and saturday nights, mums at work fri-sun so I will be fine. And I have all the motivation in the world because I am FAT. 
I hate how my mood drops from so very high to so very low so damn quickly. 
xx

I may have just made the biggest mistake. 
Im so confused right now :- / 

I feel a bit better today. Really bloated and gross from last nights binge but I have had about 600cals today and been to the gym so its ok. not the best, but ok. I pretty much studied stats all day which was good, I enjoy maths. Im not good at it but I like working through a problem and knowing there is going to be a right or wrong answer and no inbetween! I also had an appointment at Uni to sort out what the hell im gonna do next year. I really really want to be a nutritionist/Dietician but I have got the school subjects of chem and bio which are required soooo next year I am going to start a BA in Psych and a Bmus in classical performance heading in the direction of Music therapy. And im not giving up on the nutritionist dream as someone said to me today ' you've got your whole life to achieve your dreams' so i might thrown in some introductory chem and bio papers to get me started.
I wish I could be as excited about my future as all my friends are about theirs.

I cant stop crying. I dont want to do this anymore. Im so stresssed. And I just binged 2000++ cals. WTF. 

The interview was not too bad, i'll just have to wait and see. 
So far today has been very mixed, food wise ok but I just cant concentrate. I've decided to pull out of classics scholarship, I just cant fucking cope. I should be studying for maths but i've been working on my music portfolio but I just cant concentrate on that either. However, im thinking I'll go to the gym then come home and do an all nighter and get a majority of it done tonight. its not like i'll be able to sleep anyway. 

Soooo..
B - Oatmeal with Splenda 80cals
L - Smoothie (25cals of frozen blueberries, 50cals of yoghurt and 25cals of low fat milk) 100cals
S - Carrot 30cals
So total so far is 210cals.

Mums making dinner tonight. Left over roast lamb, oven chips and salad. I will easy get away with just the salad so thats sweet. I cant wait for exams to be over then no stress. Hopefully i will have a new job, im starting at a new gym no more worrying about school, it will be summer so summer fruit :-P and summers just much nice in general. Christmas is my favourite day, screw the food, it doesnt scare me. LOL. (i just dont let it ruin my day, so many people and so much excitement no one really notices what goes in my mouth) ooooooo I cant freaking wait. Just two more weeks. Just. two. more.

Yeah so as you can guess from the subject i ate some carrot cake last night along with a whole buch of freakn sandwhichs and I woke up 1 pound heavier. Well I think it was 1 pound, my scales arent digital so its hard to tell and I'm not allowed to get new ones. Im thinking I might get some and just hide them in my desk draws.lol I hide heaps of stuff in them cuz I have a massive desk at them moment I have a 12 pack of pepsi max cans in the bottom draw lol. I have to cuz my mum gets so angry at the amount of diet drinks I drink so I have to keep it hidden lol. Anyway I have been b/p evryday since tuseday and its now sunday. Today started with the damn cake agen, then heaps of popcorn, rice cakes, banana, milo and biscuits and two bread rolls. and it was a particulary hard purge, my whole neck went bright red like a rash, thank god no one was home because it was totally obvious what I was doing. I'm not bulimic, im ednos, i think. well i duno. Sometimes I wish I could tell someone so that someone could name it and make it real because half the time I really am in denial. anyway I have exactly two weeks till my school leavers ball so I have to stop this b/p because I dont want to look bloated and chip munk cheeks and basically sick and ugly. I look alot well nicer(?) i dont know the right word when I have been restricting rather than b/p so starting tomorrow is no b/p. I know that if i set unrealistic goals I set myself up for failure so im just gonna say Monday and Tuesday no b/p and then see what happens when I get to wednesday. Yes, I do have planned b/p. I know fucked up. I really am. And wednesdays have always been 'the day' but whatever. Does that make me bulemic? meh. 
Plan for tomrrow:
B - Oatmeal 80cals
   - Green Tea
I have a job interview at 11am so im gonna be so nervous before and after I know im not gonna want lunch.
D - no more than 200 cals
S - ( only if needed to prevent binge) ice lolly 50cals or yoghurt with frozen fruit 100cals - all depending on dinner etc

Total - 400cals at most and burning about 500cals.

Man im freaking out about the interview! I've never had a job before and I really want this one. Its just a part time retail assisstant in a department store but it will keep me busy over the summer break and its so close to my gym in the centre of town. It would be perfect!!! *fingers crossed*
Anyway I really need to do some of my porfolio, its part of a scholarship exam which is next wednesday so not much time and I've barely started! I've also got a maths exam on thursday, music next tuesday and another schol. exam next monday!! gosh i'm a busy girl hahaha.
Cya next time xx

You know I'm not normally tempted by any type of food really, like its not normally a big deal to me if I can't eat the pizza or the chocolate or the birthday cake. I've just accepted the fact I cant have it. BUT this morning I wake up to a smell and it was o-so delicious lol because my mum was baking her carrot cake. which she then puts cream cheese icing on. This is my favourite cake in the entire world. and if I didnt have an ed then it could quite possibly be my favourite food in the entire world. Its for afternoon tea when she has her friends over (cute lol) but I know they wont eat it all because its HUGE and mum knows its my favourite so im expecting the 'heres your cake'  not  'do you want some cake?' but 'HERE is your massively BIG piece of cake'.   I can quite easily get out of eating it by taking it to another room and hiding it somewhere in my room but I just dont wat to be tempted because I will eat the whole slice and then once everyone has gone I will most probably eat the whole damn cake. and i dont want to purge today. not again. and it will be difficult as my whole family is home and I normally only purge when there is nobody home well espically not my mum anyway. 
I cant leave the house because I have alreay been to the gym, the library is closed by that time and I am supposed to be studying for my exams so there is just noway. FUCK this is so annoying why the hell do I care so much about this damn cake, I have a freaking maths exam which I have to pass if I want to do psych next year i should be worried about that blahh. I hate feeling so freaking anxious. 
well i better go study and I will let you know how the cake delimia goes, but you know what I probably wont eat any anyway cuz Im so stressed about it and urgh. its just not worth it.
wow rant over. lol

oh I just relised I havent done my stats yet so here goes:
height: 5'6"
CW: 121
HW:  170
LW: 120
GW1: 118
GW2:115